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How do you sink an Irish submarine?
→ Knock on the hatch.

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
→ Third grade.

What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
→ Paddy O'Furniture!

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

- Help! - Paddy shouted - Oi'm sinkin'!

- Don't worry - assured Mick.

- Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there.

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy:

- Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help.

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called:

- Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked the first:

- What's your name and address?

- I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.

The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question:

- I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

- Please, God - he implored - let it be blood!

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said:

- Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking:

- The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking:

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

- I'm fine - Angus said.

- But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.

- Well, ma laddie - says his mother.

- I suggest you don't associate with people like that.

- Oh - says Angus - I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said:

- In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it…

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill.
Just before morning the one yelled:

- Mick! I lost me finger!

- Have you now? - says Mick.

- And how did you do it?

- I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies:

- Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.

The buddy gets exasperated and says:

- You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said:

- I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

- Why not?

- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said:

- I think I'll go up and get a coke.

- No problem - said the Israeli.

- I'll get it for you.

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said:

- That looks good.

I think I'll have one too.

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit…

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

- Sid - asked Al - are there any Jews in China?

- I don't know - Sid replied.

- Why don't we ask the waiter?

When the waiter came by, Al asked him:

- Are there any Chinese Jews?

- I don't know sir, let me ask - the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said:

- No, sir. No Chinese Jews.

- Are you sure? - Al asked.

- I will check again, sir - the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said:

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled:

- Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled:

- Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled:

- Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to…

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.

- They must be British.

- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.

- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.

- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:

- Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened.

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak:

- woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

- That's amazing - exclaimed the father.

- You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?

- No - said the old tribesman.

- They just ran over me five minutes ago!

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said:

- Hey you, what are you doing?

- I have to throw this away - replied the tourist.

- You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me - the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

- Here - said the cop - dump all the garbage you want.

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps…

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says:

- Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?

The Saudi says:

- What's a shortage?

The Russian says:

- What's meat?

The North Korean says:

- What's an opinion?

The New Yorker says:

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

- Our flag symbolizes our taxes - he said.

- We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

- That's the same with us - the American said.

- only we see stars, too.

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.

He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking:

- What are you going to do with the money?

- Take jewelry to city and sell it - said the old man.

- What have you got for collateral? - queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

- Don't know of collateral.

- Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?

- Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.

The banker shook his head:

- How about livestock?

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"