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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game:

- What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied:

- Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up.

Two elephants jumped off a cliff.......
BOOM BOOM!

What happened when the elephant sat on the car?
→ Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!

Why did the elephant eat the candle?
→ He wanted a light snack!

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked:

- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again:

- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said:

- I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish.

So the Indian asked again:

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and…

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says:

- The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword.

- Vive la France! - the Frenchman says, and runs himself through.

The Englishman says:

- A pistol for me please.

The chief gives him a pistol.

- God save the queen! - the Englishman points it at his head and says, and blows his brains out.

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver:

- What's that building there?

- That's the Royal York Hotel - replied the cabbie.

- The Royal York? How long did it take to build that? - asked the Texan.

- About 12 years - replied the cabbie.

- 12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.

A while later the cab driver makes his way past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre:

- What's that building over there? - asked the Texan.

- That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre - replied the cabbie.

A woman just back from Arizona was telling her friends about the trip:

- When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a mile - she said.

- Why, was he disappointed with the view?

- No, he fell over the edge.

Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.

- Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars.

- Girl: Have I really?

- Boy: Yes - it's green and wrinkly.

A little boy came running into the kitchen. He said:

- Dad, dad, there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face.

- Tell him you've already got one - said his father.

- Witch: Doctor, I can't help pulling ugly faces.

- Doctor: Well there's nothing terrible about that.

- Witch: It is when the people with ugly faces don't like them being pulled.

- Teacher: What a glum face, what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?

- Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it!

- Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?

- No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.

What do me and a mirror have in common?
→ When we see your face we both crack up!

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.

- Congregation - the priest said before the assembled masses.

- Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell.

I don't know where you got your face from, but I hope you have the receipt.

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
→ Because it came out of the pen.

- Why is your face all scratched?

- My girlfriend said it with flowers.

- How romantic.

- Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses!

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
→ Because it is the scenter (centre).

What is the hottest part of a man's face?
→ His sideburns.

- Counselor: Wash your face. I can see what you had for breakfast.

- Henry: If you're so smart, what did I have?

- Counselor: Eggs.

- Henry: Wrong. I had eggs yesterday!

My teacher's got a pretty face if you can read between the lines.