Latest

Why don't mexicans have barbeques?
→ The beans keep slipping through the grill.

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?
→ It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.

- Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?

- Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week.

- So, Morrie, how do you start a flood?

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.

- Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse.

- Ssh! It's not till next week.

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?
→ When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?
→ With a Crowbar!!!!!

The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma:
An empty greyhound.

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?
→ They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.

The two in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open!

What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?
→ They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
→ F18...
B52...
F18

A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, "Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me." The Cuban waiter replies, "We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be done to me too!"

Do you know why the baby Jesus wasn't born in Iowa?
→ They couldn't find three wise men!!!

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God:

- Where were you?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds:

- Look my child, look what I've just finished making.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said:

- What is it?

God replied:

- It's another planet, but this time, I've decided to put LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between evertyhing on it.

- For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a…

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

- Our flag symbolizes our taxes - he said.

- We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

- That's the same with us - the American said.

- only we see stars, too.

One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house.

- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

Two Scots, father and son, go to America.

- Daddy, when we'll arrive?

- Shut up and swim.

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds.

- Aaah! - he said.

- We're right over my homeland.

- How can you tell? - asked the American.

- I can feel the cold air - he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds.

- Aah, we're right over my homeland - he said.

- How do you know that? - asked the Russian.

- I can feel the heat of the desert.

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said:

- Johnson, the pole vault - and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said:

- McTavish, the hammer.

He was also admitted.

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

- I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total - says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says:

- I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said:

- I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked:

- Have I got all ye say there?

The agent said:

- Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?

Replied Murphy:

- Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with.

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:

- Mick! I lost me finger!

- Have you now? - says Mick.

- And how did you do it?

- I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

- Darn!

- There goes another one!

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said:

- Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

- What is it, child?

The girl said:

- Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said:

- My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake.

How can you identify an Irish pirate?
→ He's the one with patches over both eyes.