Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
- Don't waste your time - Pat hollered.
- The rifle is not loaded.
- I can't wait - Mike shouted back.
- The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!
What is the best way to hunt bear?
→ With your clothes off.
A big-game hunter came across a dinosaur in the middle of the jungle and stared at it surprise.
- You're extinct - he said.
The dinosaur was hard of hearing.
- What was that you said?
The hunter shouted at the top of his voice:
- You are extinct.
The dinosaur looked a little nonplused.
- So would you if you'd been dead for six milion years.
A group of hunters fully equipped with rifles, ammo and camping supplies, came upon a young boy armed only with a slingshot.
- What are you hunting for? - asked an older hunter.
- I don't know. I ain't seen it yet - said the boy.
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything.
This, surely, would impress him.
He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all…
A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!
Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend.
After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.
Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked:
- Please, Doc. How's my friend?
- Well - answered the M.D.:
- he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut!
What's a big game hunter?
→ Someone who's lost his way to the match.
The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on the floor he said, "I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me." "Well," said a guest, "he certainly makes a much better rug than you would!"
Commissioned by a zoo to bring them some baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel scheme to trap them - his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a particularly vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he explained to his assistant, "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches; if there are any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the dogs will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them up quite safely and put them in the sack." "But what do I need the gun for?" asked the assisant. "If I should fall out of the tree by mistake, shoot the dog."
Two men were out hunting when one of them saw a rabbit. "Quick," said the first, "shoot it." "I can't," said the second. "My gun isn't loaded." "Well," said the first," you know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn't."
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.
So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
- What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? - asked the chief.
- Forget the damn lion! - he howled.
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
- What do you think the problem is? - one man asked his companion.
- I dunno - came the reply:
- Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough.
Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck.
- Where's George? - one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.
- He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him.
Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
Mad men are given a test to prove they are getting normal their teacher draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.
They tart fighting but one remains sitting and the teacher goes to him and asks why he didn't join others and he says:
- let them fight they forgot I have the keys
Which painter always had a very bad cold?
→ Vincent Van Cough
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
→ He didn't have the guts too
Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom?
→ To wrap itself in toilet paper!
Why don't you wear snow boots?
→ Because they'll melt.
Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation?
→ To Palm Beach.
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
→ Show me your mussels.
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl?
→ Because she was a knockout!
What do you call a tube with a degree?
→ A graduated cylinder.
