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What did the cook say to the dough?
→ I "NEED" you!

What goes up and never comes down?
→ Up

What is the bigest pencil in the world?
→ Pennsylvania

Why did the belt go to jail?
→ Because he held up a pair of pants!

Have you heard the latest scandal?
→ Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.

What did dela wear? (Delaware)
→ Her New Jersey

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
→ Because the rest are weekdays.

What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
→ I don't know and I don't care!

Do you know the difference between genius and stupid?
→ "Genius has its limits."

What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg?
→ Limp biskit

Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to?
→ Heck

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says:

- What's this?

She says:

- Oh, my father's ashes are in there.

He goes:

- Geez...oooh.... I...

She says:

- Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.

A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked:

- how much did you pay for that?

- I paid through the nose! - he replied

A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader:

- Could you read my palm?

He shows his hand to her, and she says:

- But... I can't read your hand.

- Why? - the man asks.

- I don't understand your handwriting - the woman replies.

Martin asked David, "In which state does the Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid state."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

- They're yours, but what are they for? - the genie asked.

- I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse.

- But the squirrel? - asked the genie.

- I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
→ To win the no-bell prize.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

What did the hat say to the necktie?
→ You go AHEAD I'll HANG AROUND!

Why did the haunted house not like rain?
→ Because it dampened his spirits.

What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store?
→ "Some day my prints will come!"

What's te definition of a bachelor pad?
→ All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.