School

- Student: Can I use the bathroom?

- Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC's.

- Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

- Teacher: Where's the P?

- Student: Its running down my leg!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

"All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!"

All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.

"Miss! Miss!" called Johnny.

"Write it down, Johnny!" said the teacher.

"... But Miss! Miss! Miss!" Johnny intoned.

"I said write it down!" exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

"Miss! Miss!" called Johnny once more.

"Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?"

"Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?"

"No!" said the startled teacher.

"Then I have definitely shit myself!"

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.

As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose."

"The parts of speech are lungs and air."

"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."

"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."

"A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot."

"The general direction of the Alps is straight up."

"A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator."

"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums."

"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."

"We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk."

"One of the main causes of dust is janitors."

"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities."

"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar."

"The climate is hottest next to the Creator."

"Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings."

"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom."

"In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon."

"Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."

"In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah."

"One by-product of raising cattle is calves."

"Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

- First Pupil: I visited my Nana.

- Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.

- Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.

- Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.

- Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.

- Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?

- Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1. A certified medical excuse
2. A death in the student's immediate family

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'"

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

• MEN 101--Combating Stupidity
• MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework
• MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
• MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

• MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques
• MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am
• MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
• EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook
• EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
• ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule

• MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
• MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence
• MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex
• MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers
• ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

• SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It
• SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
• SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex
• MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
• Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

• MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
• MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
• MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
• MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

• MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
• MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
• MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions
• MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives

• EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu
• EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils
• EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly
• MEN 231--Mothers-in-law
• MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening
• MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"
• ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her