School

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, "here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "ok, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," little johnny answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

Little johnny replied, "A puppy!"

You know you're out of college when...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you...and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

- Teacher: Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one sentence.

- Johnny: De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail.

- Teacher: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?

- Jack: 7 years old

- Teacher: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?

- Jack: 9 years old

- Teacher: That's impossible!

- Jack: No it's not. I'm 8 today.

- Teacher: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.

- Mike: Here it is !

- Teacher: Good. Now class, who discovered America?

- Class: Mike !!!

- Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?

- Student: Yes sir.

- Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you when you misbehave?

- Student: Yes sir. But since I didn't keep my promise, you don't need to keep yours.

- Cool Student: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn't do?

- Teacher: No.

- Cool Student: Good 'cos I didn't do my homework.

- Teacher: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we don't 10 years ago.

- Alfred: Me !!!

- Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

- Billy: No. I'm Billy Anderson.

- Teacher: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.

- Student: You can't fool me teacher ! Snakes don't have feet !!!

- Hygiene Teacher: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?

- Willy: Don't bite any.

- Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word 'I'

- Ellen: I is....

- Teacher: No Ellen always use "I am".

- Ellen: Oh, alright. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin--January 1st 2000 or 2001.

So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year "1" and ends with year "100" - thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.

To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.

Each boy correctly answered "15".

His next question was, "Now which berry is number '0'?"

To which one boy blurted out, "The one that isn't there!"

This just in: A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated - "I want to leave no tern unstoned"

Dave was a bit of a nut who enjoyed making obscene phone calls.

His biggest pleasure is making such calls to kindergarten teachers.

He'll find a lonely telephone booth, dial the number of a teacher, and exclaim - "Is this Mrs. Jones, the kindergarten teacher at P.S. 41?"

When the teacher answers yes, Dave goes into his act...

"Wee-ee, poo-poo ca-ca!"

The teacher was conducting a class in nutrition and asked the class to name four qualities of mohter's milk.

Little Johnny pipes up and says, "I know teacher!"

Number One: It's fresh.

Number Two: It's nutritious.

Number Three: I't served at just the right temperature.

And Number Four: It comes in a cool container!