Political Jokes

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.

It's called, "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy."

What might've happened:

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary", and Bill Clinton replies... "Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"

Why did bill quit playing the saxophone?
→ To play his WhoreMonica

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill "You have one wish."

Bill Clinton cried "But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!" "Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you," replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said "Bring peace to the middle east." He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said "Nope. Can't do that choose another wish." This next wish came up right away.

"I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do" The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly "Um...can I take a look at that map again?"

Bill's Song

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

20. Found missing
21. Resident alien
22. Airline food
23. Same difference
24. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
26. Alone together
27. Business ethics
28. Sweet sorrow
29. Military intelligence
30. Plastic glasses
31. Terribly pleased
32. Definite Maybe
33. Pretty Ugly
34. Computer Security
35. Political science
36. Diet ice cream
37. Working vacation
38. Exact estimate
39. Microsoft Works

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."

Why is the White House called the White House?
→ Sperm ain't purple!

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, "I believe it's snowing". "No, it looks too wet to be snow," he said. The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"