Political Jokes

One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.

All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said "Give me all your money!"

Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm the President!" The man then replied,...

"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"

Clinton was asked who was a better lover: Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.

His response: Paula was good, but no cigar.

Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?
→ She sucked as an intern!

What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?
→ "They are both stuck-up cunts!"

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?
→ 100 people that don't do dick!!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

- What makes Britain so strong?

- It's the two-party system. One big party on every friday and another big party on every saturday

"Only in America"...

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
• are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink
• do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
• do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else." Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. "I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better." Satan takes Bill to the last door.

Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President."

He looks down at Monica and says...

"You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!"

What's the difference between a porcupine and the White House?
→ With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!