Marriage Jokes

- 100 facecloths

- 25 darning needles

- any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse

- bag of potting mix

- box of legal size hanging file folders

- bucket of sand

- cat door

- cellophane tape and staples

- dairy for 1991

- exquisitely wrapped house-brick

- framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")

- globe

- hat rack

- his and hers dishwashing liquid.

- map of West Brazil

- mixer (for the non-cooking couple)

- mobile

- modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)

- nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper

- one shoe

- receipt book

- salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)

- silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)

- spice rack

- step ladder

- towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.

- towrope

- triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."

It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says:

- I gave them paper plates.

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're WHAT?!?!?"

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says:

- Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?

Grandpa replies:

- Nope.

Teen says:

- Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?

Grandpa replies:

- A wedding ring.

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
→ A last name.

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.

- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...

- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.

- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...

- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.

- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.

- the monks only used to give us an apple...

Wifespeak / Translation

- You want: You want

- We need: I want

- It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now

- Do what you want: You'll pay for this later

- We need to talk: I need to complain

- Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.

- I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.

- You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

- You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

- I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.

- Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.

- This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.

- I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....

- I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

- Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.

- Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

- How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like.

- I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

- Is my butt fat?: Tell me I'm beautiful.

- You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.

- Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]

- Yes: No

- No: No

- Maybe: No

- I'm sorry: You'll be sorry.

- Do you like this recipe?: It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

- Was that the baby?: Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

- I'm not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

- All we're going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god, there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

- The same old thing.: Nothing.

- Nothing.: Everything.

- Everything: My PMS is acting up.

- Nothing, really.: It's just that you're such an asshole..

- I don't want to talk about it.: Go away, I'm still building up steam.

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife:

- What huge buttocks!

Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife:

- Christ! What huge tits!.

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask:

- What happened? Did you put your foot in it?

- No, but I could have! - the third man replied.

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says:

- What happened to you?

The man says:

- When I was young, I had the kneesles.

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

- Hmmm, well what happened to your feet? - inquires the wife.

- When I was a young boy, I had tolio.

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies:

- Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?