Marriage Jokes

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!

A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.

A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.

Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.

Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.

After a moment of quite repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night.

All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.

Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy..

And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...

And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.

As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.

Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.

Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.

Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.

Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.

Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.

Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.

Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.

Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says:

- For the woman I love

and the second:

- For my best friend.

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.

Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.

It's always fun to ask at the reception:

- What time's the grand opening?

Or after the honeymoon:

- Glad to see you back on your feet.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

John, you know I can't marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who...makes half-a-million dollars a year...

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.

Life sucks...and then you marry someone who doesn't!

Look the bride in the eye and ask:

- If I'm the best man, how come you're marrying HIM???

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.

Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Make love, not war, or do both: get married.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.

Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.

One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Say to the groom:

- Your bride will now expect a mink.

Then to the bride:

- You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Sign in a marriage counselor's window:

- Out To Lunch, Think It Over.

Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.

Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.

Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.

Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...

The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.

The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said:

- I've found a woman just like mother!

His father replied:

- So what do you want from me, sympathy?

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.

I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen:

- At ten o clock, please report position and depth.

When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....

John.

To Space

When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.

When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car

- To Bed or Bust

- She got him today - He'll get her tonight

- Just living together

Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.. 8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.

Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.

Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.

Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.

Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.

Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.

Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet. 2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.

Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

- Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy.

- I won't come in your mouth, I promise.

- I'm not really married.

- It's only a cold sore.

- Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality.

- Size isn't important.

- This won't hurt, I promise.

- We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other.

- We'll always be together.

- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

- A man in the house is worth two in the street.

- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

- All the good ones are taken.

- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

- Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant

- Do it only with the best.

- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

- Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.

- Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.

- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).

- If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.

- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

- If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.

- It is always the wrong time of month.

- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

- Love comes in spurts.

- Love is a hole in the heart.

- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

- Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

- Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.

- Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

- Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.

- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

- Never say no.

- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

- Nice guys finish last.

- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

- No sex with anyone in the same office.

- Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.

- Nothing improves with age.

- One good turn gets most of the blankets.

- People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.

- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

- Sex has no calories.

- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

- The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

- The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.

- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

- The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

- The younger the better.

- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

- Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.

- Virginity can be cured.

- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...

- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

- You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says:

- Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies:

- The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boys thinks about this, and then says:

- Well then, why is the boy wearing black...

A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.

The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her:

- Why are you dressed up in black?

The woman replied:

- Well, that's because I'm not a virgin.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

- But, officer, I can explain - the man began.

- Just be quiet - snapped the officer.

- I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

- But, officer, I just wanted to say...

- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.

- I'm the groom!