Kids Jokes

Children Books That Didn't Make It To The Press:

Children Books You Won't Eever See...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell!
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johhny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

Some things I've learned from my children:

• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.

They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, you're right...and they also WALKED every where they went!"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...

"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide!

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the Boy explained, so "I'm looking for the seal!"

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
→ They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
→ Dayscare centers.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
→ His ghoul friend.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
→ I Scream.

What do witches put on their hair?
→ Scare spray.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
→ Bamboo.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
→ Boo boos.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
→ Because of his coffin.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
→ They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
→ Because everyone was a goblin!

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
→ With a pumpkin patch.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
→ His other fang.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
→ No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
→ Still no eye deer.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!