Kids Jokes

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible.

"All right!" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later that nite her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so!" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team!"

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Yes, WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."

So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart."

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."

The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?"

Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, "We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!"

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, "Are you my father?"

The doctor said, "No, I am the doctor that delivered you." Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, "Are you my father?"

The nurse said, "No, I am just the nurse." Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said, "Are you my father?"

The new father said proudly, "Yes! I am your father."

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, "So how do YOU like it?!"

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

"All the ladies down on the floor," one handsome robber commanded.

"My grandmother too?" the little girl asked. "Yes, your grandmother too!"

"All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses."

"My grandmother too?" "Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties."

"Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart."

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, "YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!"

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"