Kids Jokes

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

- Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. - (Judy, 8)

- Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

- You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - (Jim, 10)

- Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them - (Lynette, 9)

- It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - (Jan, 9)

- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - (Roger, 9)

- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. - (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - (Jeanne, 8)

- It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - (Gary, 7)

- Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

- They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. - (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television. - (Anita, 6)

- Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - (Bobby, 8)

- I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. - (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

- One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

- Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - (Del, 6)

- Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. - (Alonzo, 9)

- One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. - (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

- Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. - (John, 9)

- Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. - (Dave, 8)

- It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire. - (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

- The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. - (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

- You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. - (Doug, 7)

- It might help to watch soap operas all day. - (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. - (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

- Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - (Tom, 7)

- Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - (Roger, 8)

- Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - (Randy, 8)

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard:

- All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

- For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said:

- Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted:

- Spit 'em out, they're assholes!

Children's worst book titles!

• You Were an Accident
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly!
• Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
• Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
• All Dogs Go to Hell
• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
• When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
• Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Bi-Curious George
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
• You Are Different and That's Bad
• Dad's New Wife Gerald
• Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead
• How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

Johnny goes to his mother and demands:

- Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!

To this his mother replies:

- Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.

Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:

Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...

Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
11. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
12. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
13. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
14. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
15. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
16. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
17. First words when kid gets on his lap are:

- Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
3. Four words:

- Off my lap, Tubby!

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy".

- Yes - she replied.

- All three sons are named Leroy.

- Why would you do that? - inquired the government worker.

- It makes it much easier to get things done - was her reply.

- Leroy, time for bath.

And they all would get in the bath.

- Leroy, time for supper.

And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

- Oh that's easy - she replied.

- I just call them by their last name.

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep.. Beep.. Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said:

- Look out dad she's backing up!

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him:

- Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're 18.

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says:

- Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?

His grandpa replies:

- Yes Jimmy, I do.

Jimmy then says:

- Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds:

- Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea.