Kids Jokes

- Brother: How do you top a car?

- Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.

- My sister's a really bad driver.

- What makes you say that?

- Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room.

- How did you manage to do that? - he fumed.

- Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!

On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.

As they got in the car, the father said:

- Just one thing, Fred. If you're going to hit anything, make sure it's cheap.

- What sort of a car has your dad got?

- I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T.

- Really - Ours only starts with gas.

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said:

- I did that by accident.

She replied:

- I know that, daddy.

He replied:

- How'd you know?

The girl said:

- Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!

A young man comes home and says:

- Dad, I just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car.

Father replies:

- O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see.

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand:

- Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?

Father replies:

- That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair.

Son says:

- But, dad, Jesus had long hair.

Father replies:

- Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.

- Monster: Stick 'em down.

- Ghost: Don't you mean, stick 'em up.

- Monster: No wonder I'm not making much money in this business.

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained:

- I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

- Marcy - the teacher said.

- You may go first.

Marcy replied:

- My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.

The teacher said:

- Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?

Kevin stood up and announced:

- My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.

- Very good - the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said:

- My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no...

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said:

- My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell 'accountant.'

Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?
→ Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!