Dirty Jokes

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

"Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.

Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"

"Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."

Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.

"Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work.

"Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it...our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!"

- The word of the day is "LEGS", let's go back to my place and spread the word.

- Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

- I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

- Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

- Was your daddy a baker? 'Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

- Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

Why didn't the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?
→ Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hands.

Sue yelled:

- You impatient fucker! You lying son of a...

Bob stopped her and said:

- I'm a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed:

- What the hell did you do that for!?

Tarzan replied:

- Always check for squirrels.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
→ A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.

A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says:

- If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.

He grabs her butt and says:

- If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says:

- And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.

What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
→ A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

How do we know that God is a man?
→ Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.