Dirty Jokes

Confucious say...

All who fly upside-down have crack up.

He who stand on toilet high on pot.

He who shits brick has square hole.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said:

- It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer.

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said:

- Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?

He said:

- Why,... Yes I am!

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered:

- Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!

Generic Drug Names: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.

So what's the generic name for viagra?
→ Mydixadroopin

Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde...
→ A naked blonde doing cartwheels!

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says:

- Next!

He asks the first nun:

- Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased:

- Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time...

St. Peter says:

- No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!

So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun:

- Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed:

- Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...

- Not to worry! - laughs St. Peter.

- Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!

So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun:

- Have you ever come in cont...

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts:

- Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

- Be patient, child, you'll have your turn - says St. Peter.

He turns to the third one again:

- Now, have you ever come in contact with...

- Mr. PETER!!!! - The fourth one screams.

- I REALLY have to go first.

- I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

- NO WAY! - the fourth one says, practically fuming.

- I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!

After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied:

- There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said:

- I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said:

- I got one... Secret.

The bartender said:

- Why Secret?

Joe said:

- Well...it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

What did the banana say to the vibrator??
→ Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
→ When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?