Dirty Jokes

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.

The door opened and a man entered.

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned - he began.

- I have stolen.

The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.

The next time the door opened, a woman walked in:

- Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner.

The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady:

- What does Father John give for a blow job?

- $12.50 if I take me teeth out.

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover:

- Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says:

- I don't feel anything.

Bruce says:

- Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says:

- I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.

Bruce starts singing:

- Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
→ The taste!

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who's had too much to drink.

He says to her:

- Hey, baby...whataya say we go back to your place and get it on!

Lost in her drink, she replies:

- Sure, why not!

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says:

- Ok, show me what you do best!.

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!

The Gutter-Mind Test!

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

* The Correct Answers *

1. talk
2. legs
3. a twenty dollar bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. last name

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said:

- That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?

The man looked up helplessly and said:

- The balcony!

The kid ran out of the burlesque show.

The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.

The kid said:

- My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it -If not... "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"