Dirty Jokes

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
→ Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed:

- Get the hell away!

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said:

- Yes!

The man replied:

- Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

She says:

- You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

The Huge Man:

- You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:

- May I help you?

Bob says:

- Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.

Receptionist:

- But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies:

- Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said:

- grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.

- When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

- We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Is Linus gay? "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

- See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

- What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

- Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him:

- One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife.

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks:

- Daddy, what was that?

Her father, still in a panic, says:

- Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly.

- Must've been a big butterfly - replied the daughter...

- Did you see the size of it's dick!

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

- All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!

All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny.

- Write it down, Johnny! - said the teacher.

- ... But Miss! Miss! Miss! - Johnny intoned.

- I said write it down! - exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny once more.

- Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?

- Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?

- No! - said the startled teacher.

- Then I have definitely shit myself!