Random joke from this category
5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!
What's the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?
→ Sucks down a cold one!
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go....
YEEOOOOOOOUCH!
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides:
- What the heck, I really want a drink.
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy:
- What's the name of your penis?
- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.
The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks:
- Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?
- Other customer: Timex!
- First guy: Why Timex?
- Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!
A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.
- First guy: What's the name of your penis?
- Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?
Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.
- Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is 'Secret'!
- Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?
- Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.
- First Pupil: I visited my Nana.
- Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.
- Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.
- Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.
- Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.
- Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?
- Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked:
- What about extreme sexual exhaustion?
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said:
- Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
- How many people here believe in ghosts?
About 90 students raise their hands.
- Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?
About 40 students raise their hands.
- That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
- That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?
3 students raise their hands.
- That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says:
- Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says:
- Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost.
The student replies:
- Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'
One day a woman went to her pastor and asked:
- Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.
The Pastor responded:
- There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about.
The woman responded:
- PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.
The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.
The Pastor replied:
- Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!.
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.
- Jeeves - she said.
- Take off my dress.
He did this carefully.
- Jeeves - she continued.
- Take off my stockings and garter.
He silently obeyed her.
- Jeeves - she then said.
- Remove my bra and panties.
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said:
- Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says:
- Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.
The Russian begins thinking:
- Well, I really like drinking vodka.
Finally the Russian says:
- I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife:
- Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife:
- Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him:
- But Boris, why do we need only one glass?
Boris raises the glass and says:
- Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!
