Dirty Jokes

This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says:

- hello hello hello

And the wife says:

- what, aren't you talking to me!

What do you get if put a blonde upside down?
→ A brunette with a bad breath.

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

- Brian: Yeah, sure.

- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

- Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

- Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

- Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

- Brian: Yeah, alright.

- Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

- Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

- Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

- Sharelle: Hi Brian.

- Brian: Hi Sharelle.

- Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

- Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

- Sharelle: O.K.

- Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

- Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

- Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

- Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

- Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

- Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

- Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

- Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

- Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

- Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

- Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

- Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence

How do you break the nose on a blonde?
→ You put a dildo under a glass table!

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.

Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.

The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals.

The Good Fairy said:

- you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing.

The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said:

- this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!

What kind of bees make milk?
→ Boobies!

Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?
→ Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says: "Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.

"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks: "Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"

"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says: "Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"

An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.

The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says:

- Ma'am it looks like you blew a seal.

The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face:

- No, it's just Mayonaise.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."