Dirty Jokes

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

- Where the fuck is all that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic

- That's not a fucking real gun. - John Lennon

- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon

- Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein

- What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima

- It fucking does "so" look like her. - Picasso

- How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras

- You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo

- Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney

- Scattered showers my fucking ass! - Noah

- Pick up the fuckin' phone! - E.T.

- Fuck Logic! - Spock

- I can't breathe in this fucking thing! - Darth Vader

- Fuck I'm hungry! - Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! - Yoda

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked:

- How much weight do you want to lose?

to which the man responded:

- Ten pounds.

The voice replied:

- Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating:

- If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said:

- Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!.

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked:

- How much weight do you want to lose?.

to which the somewhat less overweight man replied:

- Twenty pounds.

- Very well - the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating:

- If you catch me, you can have me.

The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him:

- Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

- This is fantastic! - he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked:

- How much weight do you want to lose?.

- Fifty pounds! - the man exclaimed.

- Fifty pounds? - the voice asked.

- That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied:

- Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! - and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating:

- If I catch you, I'm going to screw you

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...
   I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....
   I found your cat...
   Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
   Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick doc said:

- Hey, I can fix that dong!

- A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need

And the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

- You're the first man I've seen after months at sea - she coos.

- I'll do anything you want.

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

- Great - he says.

- Will you walk my dog for me?

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said:

- I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven.

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts:

- I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo.

- Very good! - says St. Peter, Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?

Keats just smiled and started his poem:

- Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks;

- Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

- Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!

Then the old man points out the window.

- Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says:

- But ya fuck one goat......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

- Did you see what your monkey did now? - he asks.

- Now what? - responds the patron.

- Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! - says the barkeeper.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male:

- They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.

- A better model is just around the corner.

- They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

- It's always essential to have a backup.

- They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

- The best part of having one is the games you can play.

- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

- The lights are on but nobody's home.

- Big power surges knock them out at night.

- Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female:

- They're oh so picky, picky, picky.

- They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

- Beauty is only shell deep.

- When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.

- They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

- They are always turning simple statements into big productions.

- Small talk is important.

- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

- They make you take the garbage out.

- Miss a period and they go wild.

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:

- Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out:

- Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!