Dirty Jokes

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called:

- Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!

- I doubt it - he said sadly.

- I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.

- Young man, witches can do anything - she said.

- I'm going to perform a witch miracle.

She said:

- ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!

He looked at her in disbelief:

- Is this all true? - he asked.

- Of course - she said.

- But to keep it true you must do one thing.

- Anything! - he said.

- Anything!

- You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone - as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked:

- Sonny, how old are you?

- I'm thirty-two - he said.

- Tell me something, then - she said.

- Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says:

- What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?

The old guy says in reply:

- Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . .

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

- First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys.

- Second surgeon: That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!

- Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

"CLUES"

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
   When I'm not well, I drip.
   When you blow me, I feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
   Your tongue gets me off.
   People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
   Sometimes big balls hang from me.
   I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
   I wasn't maiden for long.
   A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
   You tie me down to get me up.
   I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
   I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
   I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
   You fiddle with me when you're bored.
   The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out.
   I discharge loads from my shaft.
   Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
   I come out soft.
   You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
    It's my job to stuff your box.
    When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection.
    I get the finger ten times.
    You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
    My tip penetrates.
    I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
    I am a cunning linguist.
    I plead and plead for it.

Answers:

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.

- An ambulance just drove by.

A few moments passed.

- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.

- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.

- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.

She says:

- normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1.

He thinks a minute and says:

- OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.

She says:

- So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls...

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . "W Y" and says:

- Hey I said her name was Wendy

Man says "Don't worry shake it." . . . He does, . . and voila! - Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees "W Y" and says:

- W Y, huh?

Billy says oh! its my girlfriend's name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)

Jamaican says:

- Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice.

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says "W Y".

Billy says:

- Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?

- Ah no man. Mine says "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!