Dirty Jokes

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

- Penis van Lesbian - the man replied proudly.

- Well - said the director.

- we'll have to change that.

- Oh - the young man said.

- I could never change my name. It's my heritage.

- Well - said the director.

- if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business.

The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

- Do you remember me - asked the young man?

- Yes, I do - said the director.

- I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.

- Well, I finally took your advice - the young man said.

- I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.

- I told you so - the director replied.

- And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?

- Dick van Dyke.

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for...their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row...all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy...this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said:

- He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
16. He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
17. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
18. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
19. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
20. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
21. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
22. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
23. New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
24. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
25. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
26. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
27. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
28. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?
    Richard Jewell.

And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

- Would that suit your needs? - he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up.

She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

- You see? - she asked, petulantly.

- Yes, I do - said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said:

- Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time...

A lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say:

- Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says:

- PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

T'was the night before christmas-
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and through down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls....

Their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's
No request for them
They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM
If you thinks that bad...just picture this
Try holding their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierd
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason
I found me a blonde ...

I'm going south for the season

A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl:

- I have a Nintendo!

Little girl says:

- Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!

Little boy says:

- So, my dad's a doctor!

Little girls says:

- My dad's an astronaut!

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis.

The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces:

- My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
→ She drops her nail-file!
→ Who cares?
→ She says, "Next".
→ The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
→ He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
→ I mean, who really cares?
→ The batteries have run out.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
→ "Thanks for the refill!"

Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
→ So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.