Celebrities

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."
11. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
12. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
13. One word: Lightsabers.
14. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
15. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
16. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
17. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
18. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I."
19. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

• Where the fuck is all that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic
• That's not a fucking real gun. - John Lennon
• Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon
• Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein
• What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima
• It fucking does "so" look like her. - Picasso
• How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras
• You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo
• Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney
• Scattered showers my fucking ass! - Noah
• Pick up the fuckin' phone! - E.T.
• Fuck Logic! - Spock
• I can't breathe in this fucking thing! - Darth Vader
• Fuck I'm hungry! - Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! - Yoda

Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"

"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo."

"Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?"

Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo."

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

10. Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
11. Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
12. Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
13. Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
14. If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
15. Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
16. Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
17. Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"
18. The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
19. Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station"
    Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"

Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays

12. Start of Christmas Season Day
13. False Labor Day
14. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
15. Hallmark Card Day
16. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
17. Newtsmas
18. Deadbeat Father's Day
19. Bad Hair Day
20. Put Your Daughter To Work Day
21. Doris Day
22. St. Hooter's Day

And the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday...

1. Hash Wednesday

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

"Penis van Lesbian," the man replied proudly.

"Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that."

"Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage."

"Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business."

The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

"Do you remember me," asked the young man?

"Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to."

"Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since."

"I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?"

"Dick van Dyke."

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
16. He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
17. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
18. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
19. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
20. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
21. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
22. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
23. New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.
24. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
25. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.
26. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.
27. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
28. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?
    Richard Jewell.

And the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.