Random joke from this category
Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?
Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.
For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!
Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," replied Irvin.
What the fuck was that?
The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all these fucking Indians
General Custer
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!
Captain of the Titanic
That's not a fucking real gun
John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck
Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know?
President Nixon
Heads are going to fucking roll
Henry VIII
Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out
King Harold
Scattered showers my fucking ass
Noah
Where the fuck have you been?
Stanley to Livingston
Can you smell fucking gas?
Captain of the Hindenburg
Fuck you Brutus!
Julius Caeser
Y. O. D. A
(To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker)
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down.
I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown.
I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear.
I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here?
How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
WARS DO NOT MAKE ONE GREAT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!
YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
SPAT OUT LIKE SOME THROAT PHLEGM
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah.
He is COMIN', master Yoda not far.
I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot.
It is MINE OR I'LL HELP YOU NOT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me?
I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see!
Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave!
Betcha HE SCREWS UP AT THE CAVE
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends?
To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
WIMP OUT THEN YOU'RE A JERK
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and fade).
Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.
He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).
OJ runs up to Mike and says - "Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???"
Mike replies - "No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'"
The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign
"This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan
- Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
- Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"I am a jelly doughnut" -- English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall
"We pray for MacArthur's erection." -- sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." -- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona
"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972
"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience
A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.
She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1".
He thinks a minute and says - "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".
She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!
Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team's woeful record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs
A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.
So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U....
