Celebrities

Jessie James and his gang are attacking a train outside of Oklahoma City. As they go through each car, they line up the travelers and prepare to take all their loot.

As Jesse entered the first car he yelled, "Okay, everybody, we're going to rape all the men and rob all the women!"

Upon hearing this, his brother Frank turned to him and said, "ah, Jessie, don't you mean we're going to rob all the men and rape all the women?"

With that said, a little fairy in the corner pops up and says...

"Listen, you heard Jessie...he's the boss!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

And Abe replied...

"Go to the theater!"

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
→ Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

• We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"
• Is Linus gay? "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"
• See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"
• Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"
• What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"
• Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"
• Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"
• Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?
→ Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, "They accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Castro went on: "They say I'm intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Castro continued: "They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami."

And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

• Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...
• Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
• Forrest (Homer) Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolate
• Forrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!
• Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
• Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..

Next on 'Forrest'

• Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
• Forrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilated
• Forrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
• Forrest Zen - I am one with the chocolate
• Forrest McClaine - I used to be a box of Chocolates
• Forrest Ventura - Chocolates..

Alll-Riighty then...

• Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolate
• Forrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
• Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
• Forrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
• Forrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
• Forrest Butler - Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
• Forrest O'Hara - Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
• Forrest Lee - Fight with your inner chocolate
• Forrest Clinton - I didn't inhale the cream centers
• Forrest Davidson - I will inhale the cream filled centers
• Forrest Doo - Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
• Forrest Marx - That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.
• Forrest Nicholson - You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
• Forrest Copperfield - Poof, the chocolates are gone!
• Forrest Noah - 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter
• Forrest on phonics - Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets
• Forrest PsychicLine - Yes, I knew you were a chocolate
• Forrest Alimony - The Box is mine!
• Forrest Andrews - The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates
• Forrest Costello - Who's eating chocolate?
• Forrest Abbott - No, who is not eating chocolate
• Forrest Vader - Luke, I am your chocolate
• Forrest Yoda - There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

As Jack the Ripper's mother said to her son, "How come you never go out with the same girl twice?"

As Caesar said, "Let me mix that salad!"

As Moses said to God, "Let me see if I have it right - the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?"

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware, "I can't understand it. I paid for a seat!"

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank, "We can't rob that bank. That's where we keep our money!"

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear, "Don't shout!"