Business Jokes

How to Hunt Elephants -- Sales Style
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as "desktop elephants."

How to Hunt Elephants -- QA Style
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude, thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?"

The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones."

The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?"

The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small."

The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?"

The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?"

The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin ..... wrote out a check for $15,000 ... laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant didn't answer.

The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signed to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signed back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather asked, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A well known, rich business man's wife broke her hip. The business man got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.

The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the business man a bill for $5,000 for his services. The business man, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor responded to the letter with the following:

1 Screw: $1.00
Knowing how to put it in: $4,999
Total: $5,000

The business man never argued.