Business Jokes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular."

And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens.

GROSS PAY: $1222.02

• INCOME TAX: 244.40
• OUTGO TAX: 45.21
• STATE TAX: 61.10
• INTERSTATE TAX: 5.89
• COUNTY TAX: 6.11
• CITY TAX: 12.22
• RURAL TAX: 4.44
• BACK TAX: 1.11
• FRONT TAX: 1.16
• SIDE TAX: 1.61
• UP TAX: 2.22
• DOWN TAX: 1.11
• KNICKNACK TAX: 1.98
• HACKENSAC TAX: 3.93
• THUMBTAX: 0.98
• CARPET TAX: 0.69
• SNACK TAX: 8.32
• SURTAX: 3.46
• MA'AM TAX: 3.46
• PARKING FEE: 5.00
• NO PARKING FEE: 10.00
• F.I.C.A.: 81.88
• T.G.I.F.: 9.95
• LIFE INS.: 5.85
• HEALTH INS.: 16.23
• DISABILITY INS.: 2.50
• ABILITY INS.: 0.25
• LIABILITY INS.: 3.41
• DENTAL INS.: 4.50
• MENTAL INS.: 4.33
• FUNDAMENTAL INS: 0.11
• COFFEE: 6.85
• COFEE CUPS: 66.51
• CALENDAR RENTAL: 3.06
• FLOOR RENTAL: 16.85
• CHAIR RENTAL: 4.32
• DESK RENTAL: 4.32
• UNION DUES: 5.85
• UNION DON'TS: 3.77
• CASH ADVANCES: 0.69
• CASH RETREATS: 121.35
• OVERTIME: 1.26
• UNDERTIME: 54.83
• EASTERN TIME: 9.00
• CENTRAL TIME: 8.00
• MOUNTAIN TIME: 7.00
• PACIFIC TIME: 6.00
• DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: 4.44
• TIME OUT: 12.21
• OXYGEN: 10.02
• WATER: 16.54
• ELECTRICITY: 38.23
• HEAT: 51.42
• AIR CONDITIONING: 46.83
• MISC: 169.24

TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.
"This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.

The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.

"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."

Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."