Newest jokes

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

Amen

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

The girl knelt in the confessional and said:

- Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

- What is it, child?

- Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said:

- My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake.

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites are gone."

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole.

- How long have you been down there? - the cowboy said.

- Many moons - the Indian replied.

A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody Mary's."

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one just live by a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!!!"

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside????
→ K9P.

What is grosser than gross?
→ Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt.