Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
- Look, - says the woman - what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!
- OK, - replies Joe - so how many does it take?
What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world" there.
Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said:
- May I have one of those ?
The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said:
- What... one of those bastards ?
Without a pause, she said:
- Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too.
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married.
As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said:
- In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?
She smiled slyly and replied:
- The Druggist, silly.
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
- I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?
- For about 60 years.
- 60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
- I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.
- How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
- Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
Visual joke: Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders.
Ask: "what's this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.
Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
→ You get repossessed!
What is white and flies across the sky?
→ The coming of the Lord.
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states:
- I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.
Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them:
- Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified.
After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies:
- He was calling from Salt Lake City.
