A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:
- You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?
- Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus.
Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?
→ Because they all have phones.
What is the rallying cry of the International Dyslexic Pride movement?
→ Dyslexics Untie!
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt.
Finally, the barman says:
- Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?
- Well - the chick replies - I've just won the lottery and this is the only arsehole I'm shouting!
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
→ A pool table.
What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were alive today?
→ Scratching on the lid of her casket.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
→ A quarter-pounder with cheese.
How do you tell two KKK members apart?
→ Ask their wife. After all, she's their mother....
What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand?
→ A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short!"
