Newest jokes

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said:

- I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said:

- Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.

She replied:

- I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said:

- Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.

She said:

- You tell him. He is the one shaving you.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

- I have just the thing - says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

- Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech:

- And what if I swallow it?

- No problem - says the barber.

- Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away.

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island.

One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession:

- Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby. The Mother Superior says:

- That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies.

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state:

- Push up bottom to use.

- Mom, I'm pregnant.

- How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?

- That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says:

- I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says:

- I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look. The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.

Then the girl says:

- I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband:

- I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine. Her husband says:

- You think you were embarrassed...

I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was:

- This is a brothel - replied the madam.

- Well, what's all this out on the lawn?

- Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered, "You know, I've got and itchy pussy...." The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log:

- My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump:

- My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign:

- My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf - taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...

- Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit !

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk:

- I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

- About 35 - was the reply.

- I'm actually 47 - the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is:

- Oh you look about 29.

- I am actually 47! This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies:

- I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age. As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says:

- OK, it's done. You are 47.

Stunned the man says:

- That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old lady replies:

- I was in line behind you at McDonalds.