A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
- Get over it, buddy, - he said:
- It's not the end of the world. - It's all right for you to say, - answered his buddy:
- But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife? The fella ponders for a moment, then says:
- I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.
He says to her:
- What's going on?
She says:
- Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
My wife and I are into S & M
She Sleeps and I masturbate
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
- Nothing, - said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again:
- Seriously, what's wrong?
- Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
- Why should I? - he said:
- Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift.
- Yes, - she said:
- but I'm their real mother.
- Will the father be present during the birth? - asked the obstetrician.
- Nah, - replied the mother-to-be:
- He and my husband don't get along.
Conversation over dinner:
- Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
- Man: Definitely not!
- Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
- Man: Of course I do.
- Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
- Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
- Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
- Man: (makes audible groan)
- Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
- Man: Where else would we sleep?
- Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
- Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
- Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
- Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
- Woman: - - - silence - - -
- Man: Oh Shit.
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am!!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."
