Newest jokes

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. - HA! - he snorted:

- The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest! On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward:

- There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!

- That's not your chest! - he roars back.

- Damn right it's my chest! - she argued.

- Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....

AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...

IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife:

- Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones.

- Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you! - Maude replies.

- But I want you to, Maude.

- But why? - Maude asks.

- Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!

A girl runs home to her mother crying:

- I can't marry Joe! He's an atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything!

- Don't worry, Honey, - said her mom.

- But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell!

- Don't worry, Honey, - repeated her mom:

- you marry him...and we'll convince him!

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted.

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

- I was in a very generous mood today, - a woman says to her friend.

- I gave a poor beggar $25.

- Thats a lot of money to give away, - says her friend:

- What did your husband say?

- He said, 'Thank you'.

How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull?
→ Marry her!

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote:

- Woman, without her man, is a savage.

The women wrote:

- Woman: Without her, man is a savage.

One day a guy and a girl were making out in the guy's car in the girl's driveway. They began to get pretty hot and heavy when the guy reached into his pants and placed his cock in her hand.

She froze, jumped up and said:

- I've got two words for you, DROP DEAD!

Then he said:

- I've got two words for you, LET GO!.