Newest jokes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

- Ladies, exercise is good for you - announced the teacher - Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - asked the instructor.

- Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile:

- I gladdened seven hearts today.

- Seven hearts? - asks the friend.

- How did you do that?

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies:

- I performed three marriages.

The friend looks at him quizically.

- Seven? - he asks.

- I could understand six, but...

- What do you think - says the rabbi - that I do this for free?

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said:

- Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Asprin?

The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.

When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked:

- Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?

Mike answered him and said:

- Yes I am.

Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked:

- Well, aren't you a police officer?

And again Mike replied yes.

Then the clerk asked:

- Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says:

- Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?

Grandpa replies:

- Nope.

Teen says:

- Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?

Grandpa replies:

- A wedding ring.

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

- Out drinking again!? - she says.

- How much money did you spend this time?

- $100 - answers the man.

- $100! - she shouts.

- That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!

- Easy for you to say - he replies.

- You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy.

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

- You are not getting older, You are just getting better.

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said:

- Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom.

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

- YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.

- Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? - the lawyer asked.

- Give me the bad news first.

- Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.

- That's the bad news? - the man asked incredulously.

- I can't wait to hear the terrible news.

- It's of you and your mistress.

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says:

- My wife is better.

The second guy goes in then comes out and says:

- You know what? Your wife IS better.