A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name:
- Carmen - she replied.
- That's a nice name - he said warming up the conversation:
- Who named you, your mother?
- No, I named myself - she answered.
- Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?
- Because I like cars, and I like men - she said looking directly into his eyes.
- What's your name?
- Beerfuck.
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says:
- Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says:
- Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.
She immediately replies:
- The red-head in the middle.
- That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
- I don't like her.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:
- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says:
- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?
He replies:
- You didn't use what I got you last year!
What is the difference between men and women?
→ A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me:
- You're next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Dear [Name],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
- Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
- Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
- The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
- Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
- You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
- Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
- Your legs are skinnier than mine.
- You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
- You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
- You have a hairy back.
- I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
- The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
- The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
- You still live with your parents.
- Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
- Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
- Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
- Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
- Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
- I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
→ When her favorite sexual position is "next door"
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."
