Newest jokes

An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing hand, and one missing eye goes into a bar.

The sailor sitting next to him says:

- You're really in bad shape. What happened to your leg?

- I fell overboard - says the Captain - and before my mates could pull me aboard, a shark bit it off.

- Terrible - says the sailor.

- And what happened to your hand?

- We attacked a man-o'-war - says the Captain - and one of the attackees chopped it off with a saber.

- Awful - says the sailor.

- And how did you lose your eye?

- Seagull droppings - says the Captain.

- Amazing - says the sailor.

- I didn't know seagull droppings could put your eye out.

- Can't - says the Captain.

- But it was my first day with the hook.

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in your pants.

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"?? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON SHELL CASINGS

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

- Super glue is forever

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water

- Pool filters do not like Jello

- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on

- The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

- It will however make cats dizzy

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

- How did you do over the weekend?

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?

- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a big one and a small one, and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

- That's admirable - said the judge.

- And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!

- Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them:

- this is your asshole before prison......

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said:

- Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens.

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said:

- Not too good. All 100 chickens died.

The neighbor said:

- Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more.

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says:

- You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.

Astounded, the neighbor asked:

- what went wrong? What did you do to them?

Well, says the new farmer:

- I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough.

This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and living in South America. He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime' interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where Hitler was living. He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it was Adolf Hitler, looking very old. He interviewed him, asking him all sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked:

- What are you doing now, in the twilight of your life?

Hitler replied:

- Hah! Twilight of my life! I'll have you know that I am secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America! This time we'll do it right. We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!

The journalist asked:

- ...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled:

- SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!

- OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

- FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

- LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

- AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

- NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

- SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

- RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?
→ A salad shooter.