Newest jokes

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss???
→ A kidney dialysis machine!

What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?
→ Blowing bubbles.

Santa comes once a year - but when he does he fills your stocking!

What is one horsepower?
→ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

- Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

- The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

- Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

- Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

- South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

- Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

- There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

- Lime is a green-tasting rock.

- Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

- Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

- Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

- To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

- In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

- Clouds are high flying fogs.

- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

- Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

- Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

- We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

- Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

- In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

- A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

- A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

- A monsoon is a French gentleman.

- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

- It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

- The wind is like the air, only pushier.

- 0-9: Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"

- 10-19: Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

- 20-29: Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.

- 30-39: Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

- 40-49: Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?

- 60-69: Hey! What happened to 50-59?

- 70+: Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.

- 40: Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

- 35: Italian cars don't start.

- 32: Water freezes.

- 30: You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless.

- 25: Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

- 20: Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath.

- 15: N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

- 12: You plan a vacation to Mexico.

- 10: Too cold to snow

- 5: You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

- 3: You plan a vacation in Houston.

- 0: Too cold to skate. American cars don't start.

- -5: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

- -10: Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

- -15: Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

- -20: You plan a 2-week hot bath.

- -25: The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start.

- -30: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...

- Below -30: The kids call home from college.

End of the world...

A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!

This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.

Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?) She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.

Holmes said:

- Watson, look up. What do you see?

- Well, I see thousands of stars.

- And what does that mean to you?

- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?

- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.

You know you're in a small town:

- when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.

- if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.

- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you

- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.

- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.

- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied:

- Earl.

- You got a last name, Earl?

- Nope. It's a long story, Officer.

- I got time.

Earl sighs and says:

- Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl.