Newest jokes

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said:

- Are you okay?

The woman answered:

- I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store workers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me:

- TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

- ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),

- TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

- NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

- EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

- SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

- SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

- FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

- FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

- THREE deconstructionist poets,

- TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit.

- Don't be stupid - says the barman.

- We've got a perfectly good toilet here!

- Yes - explains the drinker.

- but I take salts.

- So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

- What the hell went on in there?! - he demands.

- I told you - explained the drinker.

- No, you said that you take salts! - yelled the barman.

- That's right - the drinker shrugs.

- somersaults.

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Names to Use in Prank Calls:

- Hugh G. Rection

- Jim Nassium

- Claire Voyence

- Buster Hyman

- Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)

- Dick Peede

- Mike Hunt

- Mai Dixie Wrecked

- Jon Doe's brother Dil

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor:

- Ray, may I borrow your axe?

- Not today - Ray replied - I have to make soup.

- What kind of excuse it that?! - demanded Joe.

- Well - confessed Ray - I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another.

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.

- Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa 1880 - see also "SBD's").

- Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled pride.

- Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.

- Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.

- Fudgies: See Wet Ones.

- One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.

- Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.

- SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.

- Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.

- Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.

- Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.

- Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking funny.

- Whiffers: see Poohs.