Newest jokes

- I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone

- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin

- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris

- Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel

- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone

- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear:

- Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:

- Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

- Let me tell you a story - replied the rabbi.

A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night:

- Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:

- Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested:

- What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?

- No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:

- I'd like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man:

- what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied:

- I work for the IRS.

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely:

- Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife.

During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely:

- May I have some breast?

- Mr. Churchill - replied the hostess - in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat.

Churchill apologized profusely.

The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read:

- I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat.

Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.

- If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners - he remarked - she doesn't deserve to have any.

James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life:

- If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general.

(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained:

- Only one man ever understood me.

He fell silent for a while and then added:

- And he didn't understand me.

Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said:

- That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen.

His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.

- Run, little boy - cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car.

- Run for your life!

Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying:

- Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house.

- No, no, my dear - said the president sleepily - in the Senate maybe, but not in the House.

Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed:

- Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000.

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said:

- Why don't you come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:

Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.

You look left and it reads:

Look Right

You look right and it reads:

Look Left...

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top. The game warden said:

- That's illegal, you can't do that.

The fisherman goes:

- Really?

He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water. The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top. The game warden said:

- Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...

I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear.

The fisherman said:

- Oh, really?

He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said:

- You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?

So you don't know Jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.

- Young lady - said the doctor - you're pregnant.

- But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.

- Well my dear - said the doctor - someone in that colony is cockeyed.

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says:

- I would like one of your special full English breakfasts.

- No problem. - Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.

- But I want it MY way. - says the man.

- What do you mean your way? - comes the reply.

The man says:

- well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them. - he says.

- I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans.

- I dont have the time to do all that! - came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.

- WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!! - came the reply.

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over and says:

- Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!

One banana turns to the other banana and says:

- Do you believe that shit?