Newest jokes

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says:

- Reading my book.

The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied:

- But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden:

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape.

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied:

- But I didn't even touch you.

To which the lady replied:

- Yes; but you have all the equipment!

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied:

- I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did.

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied:

- I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself:

- Damn income taxes!

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said:

- I've never seen you in her before.

The guy says:

- Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job.

The owner asks:

- What do you do?

The guy says:

- I write music and play the piano.

The owner, looking excited says:

- REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested.

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says:

- You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?

The guy says:

- I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out.

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says:

- My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers:

- I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore.

The owner again was shocked. The owner says:

- Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons.

The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says:

- Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?

The guy smiles and says:

- KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he sits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"

A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on the floor, the guy looks down and says:

- You're getting slow in your old age, Batman.

Two guys get stuck on a desert island.

They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif.

He says to the first guy:

- As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru.

Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.

He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.

The 2nd guy when asked says:

- I'd rather die than suffer that.

The chief says:

- Great, death it is, death by Ru Ru!!!

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole.

A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home.

They had traveled only two miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon smiled at the woman and continued on thier way.

They traveled only another two miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse:

- THATS TWO

He took his seat beside his new bride and continued on thier way.

After traveling another two miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes, saying:

- THATS THREE.

He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say:

- why in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk.

The rancher turn to the woman and said:

- THATS ONE.

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked:

- When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says:

- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says:

- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies:

- I would like to hear them say......

LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man:

- What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:

- Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.