Newest jokes

How did Captain Hook die?
→ Jock itch.

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says:

- You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo.

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says:

- St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?

St. Peter says:

- That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel.

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

- Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough - replied his friend.

"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years.

- So, how's life been for you? - Ed asked.

- Not too good - Ted replied.

- My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.

- Oh dear, that sounds terrible. - Ed said.

- What business were you in?

- I sell lucky charms - said Ted.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says:

- Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it.

She turns to him with a smirk and says:

- You want ketchup on that?

Salesman says:

- why do you ask?

She says:

- We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet.

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The little girl said:

- What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?

The man said:

- Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

- Where the hell am I?

A doctor replied:

- Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over.

- Well, what the hell happened to me?

- We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?

The man said:

- Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep.

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said:

- Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?

- Well - the little girl said.

- I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. POOF He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. POOF The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.

- How did it happen? - the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

- Well, doc, 25 years ago ...

- Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.

- Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine.

- Are you sure? - she asked.

- I'm sure - I said.

- Isn't there anything I can do for you? - she wanted to know.

- I reckon not - I replied ...

- Excuse me - said the doctor.

- What does this story have to do with your leg?

- Well, this morning - the farmhand explained.

- when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."