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Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIALOPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This courseemphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OFTEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,BOSS IN GENERALSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.) ENGLISH 1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question? a. b. c. d. e. none of the above 2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______ a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak 3. pork:algae :: green:_______ a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red 4. mugger:park :: king:_______ a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak READING COMPREHENSION Read the following carefully and answer the questions below. In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upperatmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects theweather. These contentions, however, are for the most partunconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, aBritish researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that:

- theperiods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenzavirus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots.

Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such asthis one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.

Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in suchpossibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaksof plague-spreading rodents in central Asia. 1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking? a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media 2. The term "most Western" means a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct 3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats b. The sun has sunspots c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer d. all of the above MATHEMATICS 1. Which of the following is a number? a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5 2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from Grover? a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only 3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the watch's value? a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above /\50 6/\5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \/ \2 of the figure at the right. / 2 | a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ | d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10 e. go back, it's a \/ 8\| 6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him? a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.

These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.

On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and bare equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one isbigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannotbe determined from the information given, choose g if you have noidea. a. 2 b. 15 a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square whose area is 10 whose area is 10 a. my dad b. your dad a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa a. something b. nothing a. a mountain b. a molehill

Rabbit's Ph.

D. Thesis: A Parable for Graduate StudentsScene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outsidehis burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

- Fox: What are you working on?

- Rabbit: My thesis.

- Fox: Hmmm. What's it about?

- Rabbit: Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes.(incredulous pause)

- Fox: That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes.

- Rabbit: Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me.

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, therabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

- Wolf: What's that you're writing?

- Rabbit: I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves.(loud guffaws)

- Wolf: You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?

- Rabbit: No problem. Do you want to see why?

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbitreturns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth. (The End) Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

No $Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you wouldlike, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even anhoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NObletask, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,Dad

Academy of MudgeologySome selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time)MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10:00-10:50)HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12:00-1:15)GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2:00-2:50)ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9:00-11:15)POLS834 U.S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE (TH 1:30-2:45)ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES (W 6:00-8:15)FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST (MW 8:00-8:50)COM193 TOPICS FROM "GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY (TU 7:00-9:15)HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP (TH 9:30-10:45)CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY-DOH (MWF 10:00-10:50)PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS (MWF 9:00-9:50)ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME (WTBS 4:35-5:05)MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784 (TH 5:30-7:15)ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS (TH 11:00-12:15)ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST (MW 3:00-3:50)MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN (TH 9:30-10:45)POLS497 POLITICAL PARTY ETHICS (M 1:00-1:05)ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS (MWF 2:00-2:50)MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT (W 6:00-8:30)COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS IN "MELROSE PLACE" (MTWTFSS 9:00-4:15)A-S546 TOPICS IN MODERN ART: USING A LIVER AS A PAINT BRUSH (TH 3:00-4:15)HPR314 BEGINNING YAHTZEE (MWF 1:00-1:50)ENG893 THE ROMANTIC PROSE OF BARNEY FIFE (MWF 9:00-9:50)PHY276 HYPNOTIZING YOUR PETS (TH 2:00-3:15)TEL115 MUNSTERS/ADDAMS FAMILY: A COMPARISON STUDY (M 7:00-9:15)ENG690 STOOGE CRITICISM: THE SHEMP YEARS (MWF 10:00-10:50)Thanks to stampo (genie.com)

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION: Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: Everybody gets an A.

THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.

This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a Liberal Arts major.

Tear off here, and administer test below to students

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
2. Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
3. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
4. writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
5. On weekends, I go to _____
6. The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
7. My favorite hobby is _____
8. Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
9. I have taken ______ English classes.
10. Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) for i=1 to ++x 10 goto 10
11. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
12. Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer
13. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
14. Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
15. In between classes, I like to _____
16. Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator
17. When I have a report due, I type it on _____
18. My manual typewriter
19. The school's word processor
20. My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
21. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
22. Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
23. The best use of a computer is _____
24. A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
25. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
26. A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
27. What part of speech is "interface"?
28. A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
29. What do you consider to be paradise?
30. Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
31. What type of music do you like?
32. Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
33. What is your favorite game?
34. Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
35. My favorite Movie show is _____
36. Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
37. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
38. Write it on my arm
39. Derive it during test
40. Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
41. The person I marry must have _____
42. Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
43. What I fear the most is _____
44. Death 1) Emotions 2) Water

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot!!!

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
→ Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?
→ "Chop chop."