Newest jokes

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam.

The first man waded out to her and said:

- Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?

She replied:

- no sir! So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked:

- Did you like that?

- Oh, indeed I did, sir! - she replied.

The second man went out to her and asked:

- Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?

- No sir - she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked:

- How did you like that?

- It was most pleasurable, sir. - she replied.

The third fellow approached and asked:

- Mermaid, have you ever been fucked?

- No sir - she replied. He said:

- Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said:

- Implants?

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:

- When did you bag him?

The host said proudly:

- That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.

- What's he stuffed with - asked the visiting hunter.

- My ex-wife - replied the hunter.

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!

What's pink and slowly turns red?
→ A baby chewing a razor blade.

Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at 4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up and Charley says:

- Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late.

Paul replies:

- Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick's been hurting bad.

Charley says:

- If your dick's been hurting, why did you go to the dentist?

Paul answers:

- Because I had a tooth stuck in it.

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said:

- I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning! He then continues and says:

- it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly. The uncle says with a confused look:

- Um son we don't have a cow...

We have a bull!

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.

He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.

When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says:

- What kinda bird you reckon that was?

The other hunter replies:

- I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.

"How's that?"

"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?"

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.

- Shit - said the driver to his passenger. What kind of bug was that?

- Dunno - he replied. But did you see the size of the cock on it?!