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Darwin Award Nominees

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."

Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!

Stupid Stuff 2

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

- That race was all about competition. - David Coleman, ITV

- And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us. - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

- Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?

- Listener: Mining and Engineering Services.

- Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1

- Marling - unbeaten in her three victories.

- Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets.

- James Hunt, BBC2 TV: A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too. - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

Stupid Stuff 3

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

- Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy. - Newsreader, BBC Radio 4

- Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this. - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

- Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes. - Ian St John, ITV

- Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game. - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment.

- Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline? - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

- Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold. - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

- Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day.

Stupid Stuff 1

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

- The effects are fleeting and lingering... - Overheard in a hallway

- In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted. - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

- A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across. - Announcer on KZOK radio

- He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful! - CBS baseball announcer

- An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement. - Irish Politician on RTE radio

- This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation. - BBC world service.

- We have two incredibly credible witnesses here. - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

- He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet. - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

-2 points
1

Cave Calls

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave...:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

and then listened very closely until he heard the answer...:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

- No - said the other Indian.

- It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

When he heard the return:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking:

- Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered:

- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!

He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of:

- WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

Texan's Guide To Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

Cowboy's Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

- Ever have an accident?

- Nope, nary a one.

- None? You've never had any accidents.

- Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.

- Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?

- Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.

Stagecoach Surprise

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out:

- What was all that about?

He replied:

- Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through.

Listening To The Ground

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other:

- You see that Indian?

- Yeah - says the other cowboy.

- Look - says the first one.

- He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.

Just then the Indian looks up:

- Covered wagon - he says.

- about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.

- Incredible! - says the cowboy to his friend.

- This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!

The Indian looks up and says:

- Ran over me about a half hour ago.

Tex's New Car

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

- I know that smart aleck Tex - said the first.

- He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.

- Not Tex - the second cowboy replied.

- He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello.

- I know Tex better than either of you - said the third.

- He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted:

- Audi, partners!