Newest jokes

Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?
→ Because he went to the hormonica!

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:

- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

- Ever go fishing? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.

- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added:

- Ever catch all the fish?

Why didn't the monster make the football team?
→ Because he threw like a ghoul!

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

- THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

- THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

- THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

- THE RONALD REAGAN virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

- THE MIKE TYSON virus....(Quits after two bytes)

- THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

- THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....(Deletes all old files)

- THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)

- THE PROZAC virus....(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

- THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)

- THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

...and last but not least...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man:

- Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!

- What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

- Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply:

- I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over:

- I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

- I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. - He said.

- The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

- Why, that's amazing! - the doctor said.

- Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nodded:

- I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.

- From hunger, you mean?

- No, from skipping!

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree:

- Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said:

- I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now.

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other:

- You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked...:

- Out of what?

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says:

- Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wife's face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.

The woman's husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.

The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.

And the husband replied:

- no need...

- I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!