Newest jokes

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
→ "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
→ "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
→ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
→ "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
→ "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
→ "You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means....
→ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
→ "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
→ "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
→ "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
→ "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means....
→ "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means....
→ "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means....
→ "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
→ "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
→ "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
→ "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
→ "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said:

- Where would man be today if it were not for woman?

She paused a moment and looked around the room.

- I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?

From the back of the room came a voice:

- He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him:

- do you think we'll ever find them?

He said:

- I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her:

- What are you up to?

Alice smiled:

- I'm going hunting with you!

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her:

- If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming:

- Get away from my deer!

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell:

- Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said:

- Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

What do elves learn in school?
→ The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?
→ 11 (named below): Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph (the one with the red nose), Olive (all of the other reigndeer) and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish

What kind of bird can write?
→ A PEN-guin

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
→ Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ "OKay everyone, sack time!"

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!!!!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - grouses the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101--Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework

- MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

- MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am

- MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

- EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook

- EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

- ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule

- MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong

- MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence

- MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex

- MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers

- ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

- SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It

- SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

- SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex

- MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

- Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

- MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

- MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

- MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

- MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

- MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

- MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

- MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

- MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions

- MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives

- EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu

- EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils

- EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly

- MEN 231--Mothers-in-law

- MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening

- MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"

- ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.

10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
11. Whew.....that's one terrific spread!
12. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
13. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
14. Talk about a huge breast!
15. "And he forces his way into the end zone"
16. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
17. It's cool whip time!!
18. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
19. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said:

- Kramer, your grandmother died.

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant:

- You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said:

- Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!