Newest jokes

You Just Might Be A Redneck If...

- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

- Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

- You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

- The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

- One of your kids was born on a pool table.

- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

- You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

- You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

- Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water. There now.....feeling better???

As Jack the Ripper's mother said to her son:

- How come you never go out with the same girl twice?

As Caesar said:

- Let me mix that salad!

As Moses said to God:

- Let me see if I have it right - the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware:

- I can't understand it. I paid for a seat!

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank:

- We can't rob that bank. That's where we keep our money!

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear:

- Don't shout!

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

- Mommy, what happened to him? - the little boy asked.

- He died and went to heaven - she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said:

- And God threw him back down?

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. - Oh, it's alright. - said the storekeeper.

- I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.

- But, - added the florist.

- I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party. - Well, what did it say? - ask the storekeeper. - 'Congratulations on your new location'. - was the reply.

Monday

- 8:00 Husseinfeld

- 8:30 Mad About Everything

- 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

- 9:30 Allah McBeal

Tuesday

- 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

- 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

- 9:30 No-witness News

Wednesday

- 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

- 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy

- 9:00 Judge Saddam

- 9:30 (edited)

Thursday

- 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi

- 8:30 Achmed's Creek

- 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

- 9:30 My Two Baghdads

Friday

- 8:00 Just Shoot Me

- 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things

- 9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H

- 9:30 Veilwatch

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people insane:

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

- Dont use any punctuation in your emails

- Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?

- Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

The Man's Guide To Female English

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

- We need to talk = I need to complain

- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

- Yes = No

- No = No

- Maybe = No

- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Answer To "What's Wrong?"

- The same old thing = Nothing

- Nothing = Everything

- Everything = PMS again

- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain

- I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

The Women's Guide To Men's English

- "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

- "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

- "I'm tired" = I'm tired

- "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

- "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

- "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.

- "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him:

- Charlie, what are you doing?

Charlie replied:

- Driving to Chicago!

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks:

- Well Charlie, how are you doing?

Charlie says:

- I just got into Chicago.

- Great - replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks:

- Bob, what are you doing?!

Bob says:

- I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!