Newest jokes

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him:

- What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?

- No - Bill replies:

- I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!

- Listen - his friend suggests:

- Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?

Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together.

- So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?

Bill shrugs his shoulders:

- Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.

- So are you and this girl engaged, yet?

- I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was:

- If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said:

- Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined..

- Our son is going to be a politician!

- Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...

- Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!

- Forrest (Homer) Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolate

- Forrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!

- Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!

- Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..

Next on 'Forrest'

- Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question

- Forrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilated

- Forrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate

- Forrest Zen - I am one with the chocolate

- Forrest McClaine - I used to be a box of Chocolates

- Forrest Ventura - Chocolates..

Alll-Riighty then...

- Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolate

- Forrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?

- Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate

- Forrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolate

- Forrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n

- Forrest Butler - Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate

- Forrest O'Hara - Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.

- Forrest Lee - Fight with your inner chocolate

- Forrest Clinton - I didn't inhale the cream centers

- Forrest Davidson - I will inhale the cream filled centers

- Forrest Doo - Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!

- Forrest Marx - That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.

- Forrest Nicholson - You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate

- Forrest Copperfield - Poof, the chocolates are gone!

- Forrest Noah - 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter

- Forrest on phonics - Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets

- Forrest PsychicLine - Yes, I knew you were a chocolate

- Forrest Alimony - The Box is mine!

- Forrest Andrews - The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates

- Forrest Costello - Who's eating chocolate?

- Forrest Abbott - No, who is not eating chocolate

- Forrest Vader - Luke, I am your chocolate

- Forrest Yoda - There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

- At age 4, success is not peeing your pants

- At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"

- At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

- At age 35, success is about career and family

- At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings

- At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"

- At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says:

- I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

- Don't worry - he says:

- I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

- Who is the third rose from? - she asked.

- Oh - says the doctor:

- that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.
2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?
3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?
4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?
5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!
6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?
7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?
8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!
9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??
10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.
11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!
12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?
13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!
14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug,
I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly:

- Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.